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English Tip Archive
Here is a collection of some previous English tips.
source: Associated Press
Write captivating
captions*
A survey by George Gallup showed that more people read the captions below
illustrations than read the related body copy. Captions are just as important as
headlines in articles and ads. Captions often determine whether the related
story will be read. Heres how: The picture grabs the eye, and the eye
automatically scans downward. If a caption is there, it gets read. If it
captures the readers interest, the article gets read. If the caption is missing
or weak the reader turns the page in search of better reading.
The two commandments of captions are:
1. Write a good caption for every picture.
2. Place the caption below the picture.
Writing good captions is an art. For the last half century or more, the masters
of that art have been the editors at the Associated Press. The AP guidelines for
writing captions in news stories are sound advice: Write captions like the first
sentence of a news story, following the 5-W rule; always see the picture before
writing a caption; completely and clearly identify everything pictured; check
facts and names; check spelling and grammar; write captions that are specific
and easy to read; use adjectives sparingly.
Advertising guru David Ogilvy knows the power of captions in ads: Use your
captions to sell. The best captions are mini-advertisements in themselves.
He says captions should always mention the brand and the promise.
Captions can also be written as a side story within an article, telling the tale
behind the picture, adding a new angle to an article, or treating one example or
aspect in greater depth.
Whether you are writing a caption for an ad, article, or news story, you need
facts the who, what, where, when, and why of every significant person, object,
and action in the picture. Make sure your photographer or source gives you this
information. These facts are the stuff of captivating captions.
Tips for writing captions that keep the reader reading:
● Strongly link the caption to the picture. (Make the subject of the picture the
subject of the caption.)
● Match the mood of the caption to the mood of the picture and story.
● Write the caption as a complete sentence expressing a complete thought.
● Make a significant statement and load the caption with relevant facts.
● Use the caption to underscore a key message, argument, or selling point.
● Be concise, but avoid telegraph style dont think captions must be as short
as possible.
● Dont describe the obvious.
● Omit unnecessary words.
● Avoid deadwood phrases such as This picture shows
● Use the present tense, except for historical data.
● Do not lift captions verbatim from the text body or the illustration.
Captions, linked with a picture, can commucate powerfully and stick in the
readers mind, yet captions are often treated carelessly or as an afterthought.
Below are six captions in red that fail to captivate, educate, or persuade. An
improvement for each follows in green:
The five
chronological stages of a projects life cycle.
Develop fragments into a
complete and significant thought:
The BLUECO project
management system improves performance in all five stages of a project.
A combination of
factors caused the accident that killed this truck driver.
The picture shows a truck,
not a truck driver. A
combination of factors is vague jargon.
The weight and size of
this heavily loaded ready-mix truck was too much for the steep, narrow, and weak
ramp. The driver was fatally injured in this accident.
Benefits of better project management
This caption was lifted
verbatim from the illustration. Dont bore readers with repetition; educate them
with facts:
Better project management
provides a broad range of benefits in virtually every business area. In 2003 it
boosted profits by USD 50 million.
The existing logistics integration would be even further enhanced by several
upcoming infrastructure projects.
The subject of the
illustration is projects,
so the subject of the caption should not be integration:
These large infrastructure
projects are in planning and will soon strengthen the logistics network in
southeastern Iraq.
Cone on plaza level.
Use the caption to make
readers see your point in the illustration:
Self-compacting concrete
is ideal for heavily reinforced sections such as this cone on the plaza level of
the science center. With complex curves like these, trying to produce such a
beautiful finish with vibrated concrete would be a gamble at best.
A calligraphy lesson
Dont tell the obvious;
tell the story behind the picture. The story here can be expanded to include a
relevant moral:
Ping Yip practices
calligraphy during a daily lesson at Shengtao Experimental School in
Xiwengzhuang, north of Beijing. Today in China calligraphy is regarded almost as
highly as the teachings of Confucius, or Kongfuzi in Chinese. Confucius
taught that a peaceful and prosperous society is possible if everyone from
pauper to prince would embrace universal virtues such as honesty, courtesy, and
loyalty.
*I use the
word caption to mean the phrase or sentence that accompanies a picture (illustration
or photograph) and describes, identifies, or clarifies that picture. Synonyms
for this sense of caption include legend, cutline, underline, and
overline. I do not use caption in the sense of headline, head,
header, or title of a page or a text, although this sense is also
recognized. Pedants may argue that legends appear beneath pictures and
captions above because caption stems from the Latin caput,
meaning head or top. Common usage disproves this argument.
Master the art of
articulation.
Precise
expression requires articulation. Lets say we want to express these two
thoughts in one sentence: (1) Schmidt USA became the sixth subsidiary to undergo
a review, and (2) Schmidt USA was reviewed in Reno during the week of April 26
to 30, 2004.
A first stab:
Schmidt
USA
became the sixth subsidiary to undergo a review in Reno during the week of April
26 to 30, 2004.
Not good. Careless linking distorts the meaning. This sentence says five other
subsidiaries had been previously reviewed in Reno during the week of April 26.
To fix this, the notion of six reviews must be kept separate from in
Reno
during the week of April 26.
This type of careful and precise linking and separating of thoughts is the art
of articulation. Lets articulate:
With the review in
Reno
during the week of 26 April 2004, Schmidt USA became the sixth subsidiary to
undergo a review.
The meaning is now intact. Sixth subsidiary is linked to a review
any review of any subsidiary conducted at any time or place. In
Reno during
the week of April 26
is linked to the
review the review of Schmidt USA. And we distinguish between a
review and the review, breaking the link where none belongs.
Those small words the articles a and the make a big
difference. Articles are the stuff of articulation. A (an) is the
indefinite article, used for general or unspecified references. The is
the definite article, used for a specific reference.
Is the following sentence articulate or ambiguous?
Schmidt Corporation will open its ninth production plant this year in Goldap on
the Russian border.
Here, loose
linking invites questions. Is it the ninth plant or the ninth plant this year?
Or the ninth plant in Goldap? Or the ninth plant this year in Goldap? All are
valid questions.
Never leave your meaning open to interpretation. Link thoughts precisely:
This year the Schmidt Corporation will open its ninth production plant, in
Goldap on the Russian border.
Only one interpretation is possible here. The placement of this year
rules out ninth plant this year and the comma rules out ninth plant in
Goldap. It is Schmidts ninth plant, and it happens to be opening this year
in Goldap.
The deliberate use of commas and the placement of modifiers are two means of
linking or disconnecting thoughts. The comma before in Goldap on the Russian
border makes this phrase a nonrestrictive clause the clause can be omitted
without changing the sense. Omitting this comma changes the meaning:
This year the Schmidt Corporation will open its
ninth production plant in Goldap on the Russian border.
Again only one interpretation is possible, and now a different one. Its
Schmidts ninth plant in Goldap, and it happens to be opening this year. With no
comma before in Goldap on the
Russian border
this phrase is a restrictive clauseessential information that cannot be removed
without changing the sense of the sentence.
One might argue that logic makes the sense clear even without a comma: Schmidt
couldnt possibly have nine plants in one town. We know what the writer meant.
Pity it is not what the writer wrote. Good writers write what they mean because
good readers tire quickly of second guessing poor expression.
Be on the alert for ambiguity due
to loose linking.
Distinguish between
articles, place modifiers carefully, watch your commas and you will be on your
way to mastering the art of articulation.
Do you agree?
These three sentences appeared consecutively in a magazine article:
A range of other benefits have already emerged.
The CEO says that the mix of local leverage and global presence have created a
stronger company.
Access to these markets, and increased efficiency, have increased annual
revenues by USD 10 million.
Agreement between subject and verb is rudimentary, yet mistakes abound.
In the first sentence
benefits
have already emerged
led the ear astray. Range is the subject.
A range has already emerged. When a noun is next to the verb, the ear tends
to make the pair agree even if that noun is not the subject. When Microsoft
Word checks grammar it gets this wrong every time.
The second sentence is similar. It may sound like the pair local
leverage and global presence require a plural verb have created, but
the subject is singular, the mix. The more words between the subject and
verb, the greater the chance of forgetting the subject. Check by stripping the
sentence down to subject and verb: The mix has created.
The subject of third sentence is access.
The parenthetical phrase and increased efficiency is not part of the
subject although it wants to be. Correct this simply by removing the two
commas, forming a compound subject. Compound subjects are usually formed by
joining two nouns with and. A singular subject remains singular even if
it is joined to another noun by conjunctions such as with, as well as, in
addition to, or together with. Thus access and efficiency increase
revenues but access as well as efficiency increases revenues.
Access or efficiency increases revenues. One or the other not both is
singular.
Use parallel
wording for parallel ideas.
Good writing often employs
parallel construction, or equal treatment of matching elements. This type of
coordination helps readers anticipate ideas while reading and assimilate them
faster. Parallel construction applies to many elements of composition: grammar,
wording, punctuation, organization, and logic. See how it can apply to the two
parallel ideas in this sentence:
A global competition is to be launched with the goal
of sensitizing designers to the issues and to reward them for outstanding design
achievement.
The parallel ideas here are the two goals, but the two are expressed in
different forms: sensitizing and to reward is a mismatched pair.
Putting both verbs in identical form will give the sentence continuity and
balance:
A global competition is to be launched with the
goal of sensitizing designers to the issues and rewarding them for outstanding
design achievement.
The form itself is not as important as the
matching:
A global competition is to be launched
to sensitize designers to the issues and to reward them for outstanding design
achievement.
Now scrutinize the following sentence for parallel
wording, organization, and logic:
Projects will be judged and prizes awarded in two
stages: in 2004, entries will be divided over six geographic regions depending
on place of origin, and competitors will be assessed at global level the
following year.
The five pairs to consider for parallel
treatment are marked by color:
Projects will be judged and
prizes awarded in two stages:
in 2004,
entries will be divided
over six geographic regions depending on
place of origin, and competitors
will be assessed
at global level
the following year.
The first pair is perfect in form
and placement. The correspondence is so strong that the second will be is
supplied by ellipsis. The second pair is
in 2004 and the following year a poor match. Matching pairs
would be in 2004 and in 2005, or this year and next year.
The next pair is entries and
competitors grammatically parallel but logically inconsistent and
incomplete. Entries, not competitors, are to be assessed both years. The
fourth pair is will be divided
and will be assessed again grammatically consistent but logically
incomplete. The first thought should be stated in full: will be divided
and assessed. Ellipsis doesnt apply here.
The fifth pair is a mismatch: over six
geographic regions and at global level. Well formed pairs would be
regionally and globally, at the regional level and at the
global level, and in six regional categories and in one global
category.
This sentence, describing the two stages of the competition, calls for parallel
wording and parallel structure. The sequence of wording in both parts should
also be made parallel, as in this revision:
Projects will be judged and prizes awarded in two
stages: in 2004 all the entries will be judged in six regional categories and in
2005 the regional winners will be judged in a final global category.
Parallel treatment
presents analogous ideas plainly. Keeping this in mind
when you write will sharpen your
thinking and expression. Scrutinizing and revising the pairs in the example
sentence gave us more accurate and complete expressions:
all the entries and
the regional winners,
will be judged and
will be judged, and
six regional categories and
a final global category. Precise
wording and balanced construction give the sentence lucidity and a touch of
elegance that makes reading pleasant.
This article includes a glaring failure to use parallel treatment. Did you
notice it?
(Scroll down.)
The third pair
Vacation English
When you go on vacation in Miami this summer, enjoy your eight-hour
flight not your eight-hours flight and not your eight hour
flight. Enjoy all eight hours of it.
Dont tell your American friends you will call them on your handy. In
English this gadget is called a cellular phone or a cell phone, never a handy.
Yes, handy is an English word an adjective that means useful and
convenient.
Watch out for other false friends:
The translation of the adjective
aktuell
is not actual but current, up-to-date, or topical.
The translation of the adverb
eventuell
is not eventually but possibly or perhaps.
The translation of the adjective
konsequent
is not consequent, but consistent.
Watch your abbreviations:
In English the abbreviation of million not mio. but mil.
The abbreviation of including is not incl. and not inkl.
There is no abbreviation for including.
Never place a comma between a subject and its verb. Not this: I thought, that
the trip would be fun. But this: I thought that the trip would be fun.
An exception is a pair of commas that set off a nonrestrictive clause: I thought, when I read the brochure, that the trip would
be fun.
Know what the
conjunctive mood is. Use it to talk about something that is not but
could become the case, or something that would never be the case. Not this:
It was proposed, and later endorsed by the CFO, that Company Controlling
leads this evaluation.
(If you say Company Controlling already leads the evaluation then
it is nonsense to propose it.) Write this: It was proposed, and later endorsed
by the CFO, that Company Controlling lead this evaluation. Or you can
write more fully: It was proposed that Company Controlling should lead
this evaluation.
Learn the grammar of learning.
Use the noun teaching to mean the whole of instruction (excellent
teaching in mathematics) or a body of doctrine (the teachings of the master),
but not an event (we attended a teaching). To say this use teaching as an
adjective (we attended a teaching session). The same goes for the noun
training, although the meaning is slightly different. You do not attend a
sales training. You attend a training session, seminar, or course. The
teachings of the master is acceptable English, but resist referring to the
learnings of the disciple presumably gained by speakings,
explainings, and understandings.
Let your words
be precise and few.
Of particular note, the architectural firm on this project is quoted as saying
that the hybrid system saved the owner about 1 million $ versus the installation
of a conventional heating system.
This sentence is understandable but it is slow and indirect, a
style that puts most readers off. Keep the reading interesting by speeding up
the delivery of ideas by using few and precise words. Lets look for ways to
add vigour.
The phrase of particular note is metadiscourse, or talking about what is
written. Metadiscourse not only wastes words, it ruins tone because it tells the
reader what to think, how to read, or in this case when to pay more attention.
In contradistinction, orienters such as the one that begins this sentence
prepare the reader for a shift in the discussion. Of particular note has
an additional drawback it says the previous matter is less noteworthy.
The architectural firm on this project is a cumbersome mouthful. The
architects
for the project
is a
natural way to say the same thing. If the context makes it clear, as it arguably
does here, one could simply say the architects. The wording on this
project (present tense) is also suspect because it says the work is ongoing,
although it is presumably finished.
We waste more time reading is quoted as saying that. Instead of
these five words use one says. If the statement being introduced is a
quote put it in quotation marks. If it is paraphrased, as it is here, do not
introduce it as a quote.
After the fourteen-word introduction we finally get to the heart of the matter:
the hybrid system
versus the installation of a conventional heating system.
The comparison can be made clearer with parallel treatment the installation
of the hybrid system versus the installation of a conventional heating system,
or simply the hybrid system versus a conventional heating system.
The comparison suffers because it is interrupted by the phrase saved the
owner about 1 million $. After reading 1 million $ versus
the ear
expects to hear a second sum. Direct expression demands the form a versus b
with nothing in between. Also poor is the shorthand style of 1 million $.
Write either one million dollars or $1 million.
The architects for
the project say using
the hybrid system instead of a conventional heating system saved the owner about
a million dollars.
This
revision adopts the active voice, cuts a quarter of the words, and uses a
natural structure: subjectverbobject. Economy of words and precision of
expression make for brisk reading. The final note emphasizes the savings of a
million dollars instead of the installation of a conventional heating
system. This ending is the correct way to highlight the point, not by
prefacing the statement with of particular note.
You may think thats a lot of fuss for one sentence. But the difference
between five pages of polished prose and five pages of longwinded verbiage is
the difference between getting read and getting tossed out. This revision
exercise is an example of what we do every day at WentzWords. If you have an
important text and want us to polish it for you contact
Daniel Wentz. We will give your text vigor, precision, and professional
style and make it a pleasure to read.
Good writing
mirrors thought.
Never lose
sight of this fact as did the Council of the European Union when it wrote
Council Directive 96/61/EC on integrated pollution prevention and control. The
directive includes this definition which is in particular need of verbal
pollution control:
Existing installation shall mean an installation in
operation or, in accordance with legislation existing before the date on which
this Directive is brought into effect, an installation authorized or in the view
of the competent authority the subject of a full request for authorization,
provided that that installation is put into operation no later than one year
after the date on which this Directive is brought into effect.
That cloud of verbal smog is thick enough to bewilder the best reader.
After the first nine words we are lost. Phrases drift in and out of the haze,
joined somehow to other phrases that appear later in the seemingly boundless
68-word smokescreen. What relates to what? In accordance with
applies to the
second case; does it also apply to the third? Grammatically yes, logically no.
Reread the passage and you still wont know for sure. And reread you must
once is not enough. Provided that that installation
applies to the third
case; does it also apply to the second? We cant say because the object of
that could be either or both. Did you even see that there are three cases
being described here? They are so intertwined that counting them is as hard as
defining them precisely. Lets attempt both:
Existing installation includes three cases: (1)
an installation in operation; (2) an installation authorized under the laws in
force before this directive took effect and put into operation no later than one
year after this directive took effect; and (3) an installation for which a
complete request for authorization was submitted (in the judgement of the
competent authority) and which went into operation no later than one year after
this directive took effect.
Now that we can see the picture more clearly, lets look at the
original sentence to find out what went wrong. The author failed to write the
sentence the way he or anybody else would think about the definition There
are three cases: 1, 2, and 3. This failure is grave because it ignores the very
essence of written communication: good writing mirrors thought.
The revision recasts the sentence to mirror the idea. Its easier to understand
because its written the way we think. First we get a five-word overview that
tells whats coming and how it will all fit together, then we get three
clear-cut cases.
This is natural and obvious, so why
did the author create such verbal disorder? Perhaps he habitually imitates the
bureaucratic style. Perhaps he thinks legalese sounds authoritative. Perhaps he
felt compelled to write the definition in a form similar to some other
definitions. Perhaps he was attempting to cut wordiness by not repeating a
phrase that applies to two cases. All mistakes.
Never sacrifice clarity for economy of words. Use more words if that better
mirrors your thought. Repeat a phrase if that makes a distinction clearer.
Structure each sentence according to the thought. Structure paragraphs to follow
the line of thinking, progressing logically and naturally, delivering each
thought in sequence without gaps in the logic. This not only gives a clear
picture, it makes for easy and enjoyable reading.
Tie
down danglers.
A dangling
modifier is one that is not properly linked, one whose subject differs from its
intended subject. Although dangling modifiers are usually understandable, they
are incorrect, and have no place in precise writing. They can cause the reader a
moment of confusion:
On
completion, the aim is to have the guidelines integrated into the new standard.
On
completion of what? Written is completion of the aim, but common
sense tells us that what is intended is completion of the guidelines.
There are three ways of correcting danglers: (1) give the dangling modifier its
own subject, (2) make the subject of the modifier the subject of the main clause
it modifies, or (3) move the dangler next to its true subject.
(1) Once the guidelines are completed the company
will try to get them integrated into
the new
standard.
(2)
After completion, the guidelines will be integrated into
the new
standard if possible.
(3)
The aim is to have the guidelines, once completed,
integrated into the new standard.
Which form
to choose depends on the context how the sentence carries the thought of the
paragraph, how it best fits into the composition. Notice the differences between
the three revisions. Each has a different subject and different emphasis. The
first revision adopts the active voice, supplying an agent the group for the action. The first and third revisions convert the nominalization
completion to its active form, complete. Note also that the second
revision starts with After, not On. The guidelines may be
integrated after completion, but not on completion.
Danglers frequently occur as introductory clauses followed by passive construction:
Using the
same line of thinking, the French subsidiarys process was chosen for recovery
of some of the residues.
The
dangling modifier is easy to correct by finding a subject and rewording in the
active voice:
Using
the same line of thinking, we chose the French subsidiarys process for recovery
of some of the residues.
U.S.
government revises alert, not text
If you read
the Presidential and Administration News in the White House Update Weekly Review
dated 9 January 2004 (or at that time visited the Homeland Security page
http://www.whitehouse.gov/homeland/) you read that the U.S. government
downgraded one alert but raised another:
On Friday, the United States Government lowered the
national threat level from an High to Elevated risk of terrorist attack or as
more commonly known, from a Orange Code to Yellow Code.
The alarming thing here is that the Government raised the national threat
level from an High to Severe risk of illiterate attack or as more commonly
known, from a Orange Code to Red Code.
Let's ignore for a moment the fact that every third word in that sentence is
capitalized, that the phrase to use is not "red code" but "code red," that the
distinction between the grades "High" and "Elevated" is weak. Words beginning
with a consonant (or a hard H) require the indefinite article a and those
beginning with a vowel (or a soft H) require an. Thus a orange is the
fruit of an highly illiterate writer. Further concerning the use of articles,
most writers would say "from a high to an elevated" and "from an orange
code to a yellow code." The educated ear strains to hear the article
echoed. Does yours?
Now test the logic: How can the threat be reduced by changing to code yellow? If
that were possible the government could simply switch to code green and impose
security. The nonsense comes from using threat as a synonym for
warning or alert a case of loose thinking and careless expression.
Six bombs packed into one sentence is a frightful contrivance. Lets defuse:
On Friday the
United
States government lowered its assessment of terrorism risk from high to medium
and lowered the national terrorism alert level from code orange to code yellow.
Clarity of thought and expression demands that
national threat level be replaced with two terms that distinguish between
threat and response: assessment of terrorism risk and national
terrorism alert level. This distinction is missing in the governments five
national threat levels:
National threat levels
Severe (Code Red)
High (Code
Orange)
Elevated (Code Yellow)
Guarded (Code Blue)
Low (Code Green)
One can well imagine a severe threat, but what is a guarded threat? Intended
is perhaps a guarded response. Look at the sequence of terms: Is a low threat
unguarded or under-guarded, and a high threat over-guarded? Shouldnt we be
saying low and high risk instead of threat? And shouldnt the country be
guarded at all times, regardless of threat level? To sort out this hodgepodge we
need two clear hierarchies. The first ranks the severity of the threat using a
coherent series of obvious terms:
Risk of terrorism
highest
high
medium (or medium-high)
moderate
low
And the second ranks the corresponding levels of response:
National terrorism alert level
code red
code orange
code yellow
code blue
code green
This bit of plain thinking, plus some correcting and polishing, was the key to
revising the governments sentence. Revision is the essence of writing. It
sharpens thinking and polishes sentences to mirror thought.
Agreement between
subject and predicate
Ist in
diesem Satz "their" tatsächlich richtig?
Thus at least every top, senior, middle, and first-line manager should have
the choice of receiving their (his or her??) own copy of the News.
This is a question of number. The rules of grammar require that the subject
and predicate agree in person (third person in this case) and in number,
singular or plural. In this example, agreement based on grammar requires the
singular: each receives his copy, each receives her copy,
or if we must belabor the point each receives his or her copy.
It also sounds natural to say every
top, senior, middle,
and first-line manager should receive their own copy.
Is this popular construction wrong? No, it uses another type of agreement,
agreement based on meaning. The subject is understood not as one person but many,
every manager in the sense of all the managers or plural.
To answer the question then, their and his or her are both correct;
both agree with the subject, one case based on grammar, the other on meaning. So
which do you choose? Observe the tone. His or her is exacting, stiff,
formal; use it for a formal text like a contract. Their sounds natural,
relaxed, colloquial; use it where smooth reading is more important than
formality.
A company, a group, or a team may be singular or plural: it or they.
Nissan makes the claim we are driven. The company says they
are driven.
Enron was driven to bankruptcy. It folded.
The number to use will depend on your voice and your audience.
Here the correct number depends on what is being emphasized:
Research and development involves great risk. (referring to one activity
or process)
Research and development involve great risk. (referring to two separate
steps)
In some cases agreement based on grammar dictates plural while meaning
dictates singular. Compare the following:
Two thousand words are too many. (many words)
Two thousand francs is too expensive. (one price)
Two thousand years is a long time. (a single period of time)
Two years were the best of the decade. (two specific years)
Some plural nouns always take the singular. For these, agreement based on
meaning is correct and agreement based on grammar is incorrect:
Wear and tear is proportional to operating time.
Logistics is our strength.
Tame jargon.
There are two kinds of jargon. Legitimate jargon includes
technical terms that general readers do not know, words such as kerf,
modilion, elongation at break. This jargon is fine if your readers know the
terms or if you define the key terms. Illegitimate jargon includes
pseudo-technical words, big words instead of simple ones, complicated phrasing
instead of plain talk. Authors who use this type of jargon attempt to impress
readers with their higher discourse words that sound learned, scientific,
authoritative. Illegitimate jargon inundates this passage:
Spend Data Management from Xyzus is the
next-generation product solutions suite that employs a standards-based strategy
to leverage spend data for catalyzing ROI from sourcing and ERP initiatives.
Built around robust classification technology and coupled with an unparalleled
understanding of diverse industry verticals (manufacturing, CPG, healthcare,
finance, energy & utilities), Xyzus' Spend Data Management suite catalyzes
savings from business initiatives whose success hinges on the effectiveness of
enterprise spend data. SDM is at the forefront of addressing the critical
imperative for all business initiatives aimed at driving efficiencies and
reducing costs in all corporate functions - including design, engineering and
manufacturing, besides procurement and sourcing.
The author would like the reader to think: Those guys master a world
thats beyond me. Im sure they can do for me what I need: catalyzing savings as
well as ROI, addressing the critical imperative, leveraging spend data. Problem
is, although that kind of talk may sound amazing, readers cant grasp one point
because the author was either too arrogant to write plainly or too lazy to
sort his thoughts and express them precisely. Readers respond by not wasting
their time reading. After you read the first sentence, did you skim through the
rest just to get it over with? Or did you just quit right there?
Look at the flood of jargon: leverage, solutions, catalyzing, robust, the
critical imperative, next-generation product solutions suite, built around
robust classification technology. Even the name of the product itself is
jargon: Spend Data Management. What is the critical imperative? We
can only guess. Heres my attempt to translate the first sentence into English:
Cost Manager from Xyzus is a set of advanced
software tools that standardizes your companys purchasing data, helps you
analyze your expenses, and shows you how to optimize procurement.
When you write, distinguish between the two types of jargon. Use legitimate
jargon whenever appropriate. Consider defining your key terms to help your less
knowledgable readers.
Here are some tips for taming illegitimate jargon:
Avoid jargon by using words literally. Catalyzing belongs in the
chemistry lab. We drive cars, we dont drive efficiencies.
When your business
consultants or associates feed you jargon, resist the temptation to adopt it or
to pass it on to your readers. Spend is a verb, no matter what Xyzus says.
In your writing,
scrutinize unnecessary add-ons and overblown words that can easily turn into
jargon. Common culprits are function, process, character, conditions, parameter,
component, and dimension.
Dont try to sound
important by using big words. Use is almost always better than utilize,
which is better than the utilization of.
Achieve good tone by
having something to say, considering how to say it best, and revising your text
for clarity. Examples of writing both authoritative and plain are the New
Testament, the writings of the Dalai Lama, and the Berkshire Hathaway annual
reports written each year by Warren Buffet.
Respect your global audience.
When
writing for a global audience you must know the differences between U.S. and U.K.
English to avoid ambiguity and misunderstanding. This applies whether you
are writing British English or American English.
The following passage is taken from a news release recently published in German and
English for a worldwide audience.
German source text:
Diese
Gesellschaft betreibt bei Famagusta im nördlichen Teil von Zypern ein Mahlwerk
mit einer Jahreskapazität von 0,150 Millionen Tonnen Kohlen und einem eigenen
Pier. Im Jahre 2002 hat die Gesellschaft rund 0,125 Millionen Tonnen Kohlen
verkauft und einen Umsatz von USD 7,2 Millionen erzielt.
English translation:
Located
near Famagusta in Northern Cyprus, this company operates a grinding station with
an annual capacity of 0.150 million tonnes of coal and disposes of its own pier.
In 2002, the company reported sales of USD 7.2 million on deliveries of 0.125
million tonnes of coal.
This
English might be suitable for a British audience, but it is not suitable for a
global audience. Ambiguity enters with the terms disposes of and
tonnes.
The authoritative reference for American English is Websters International
Dictionary, which says that the sense of to dispose of used here is
obsolete. All readers who are used to U.S. English will assume the main
definition to get rid of until they reach the end of the sentence,
with dismay.
Turning then to the authority for British English, the Oxford English Dictionary,
we see that the usage corresponds to the second definition of dispose of:
to order, control, direct, manage, command. The first and commoner
definition is to place or arrange in a particular order. Why resort to a
second definition of a verb that is obsolete in half the English-speaking world
when the sentence already has in it the right verb operate!
The next term introduces a weightier issue. Theres a difference between a ton
and a tonne and its more than just spelling. You may think one of the two
could be a metric ton. In the U.S.A. and some other countries, ton
typically means short ton, which equals 2000 pounds, or 0.907 metric tons.
The British use the long or gross ton, usually spelled tonne,
equal to 2240 pounds, or 1.016 metric tons. The metric ton (often spelled
tonne outside the U.S.A.) equals 1000 kilograms, or 2204.62 pounds avoirdupois.
Which one do you think the author meant? Which one did the translator use? Which one did you think of?
The English translation has more faults. Northern should be written small here
because it is used as an adjective, as in the northern part of South
Africa. (Northern is capitalized in names of recognized regions, as in
Northern Ireland). The phrase sales on deliveries is awkward. Sales
from a volume or sales and a volume would be smoother, universally
understandable, and more faithful to the original text. Also faithful to the
original would be to say that the grinding station not the company is
located near Famagusta. Gramatically, the phrase and disposes of its own pier
dangles precariously at the end of the 28-word sentence. The verb is separated
from its subject by fifteen words.
Rectifying all these problems will make the passage easy to read, unambiguous,
suitable for a global audience:
This company operates a grinding station and its
own pier near
Famagusta in northern Cyprus. The annual capacity of the station is 0.150
million short tons of coal. In 2002 the company reported sales of USD 7.2
million and a volume of 0.125 million tons.
Keep your bullets on target
When skillfully used,
bullets are an effective way to list important ideas.
q
Bullets draw attention to
key points.
q
They are easy to read.
q
They can break up a long
passage.
q
They are easy to find later.
q
They should be used for
important lists only.
Did you notice that the last bullet was off target? Stray bullets can
hurt attentive readers. Here are some rules for shooting straight.
1.
Use
bullets to list separate ideas of importance.
2. Observe parallel construction. This applies to grammar, form, and logic.
3. Write bullets as sentences, not phrases.
4. Pay special attention to clarity.
5. Avoid repetition.
6. Order the points well.
The stray bullet above broke Rule 2.
With the six rules in mind, read the following and watch out for stray bullets!
Benefits for a company included in the
DJSI
Inclusion
in the DJSI leads to several,
tangible and intangible benefits:
q
Public recognition of being an industry leader in
strategic areas covering economic,
environmental and social dimensions.
q
Recognition by important stakeholders such as legislators,
customers and employees leads to a
better customer and employee loyalty.
q
Highly
visible results, both internal and external to
the company, as
all components are publicly announced by
the index publisher and companies are
entitled to use the official "Member of DJSI" label.
q
Increasing
financial benefit because of investments
are based on the DJSI. By being a member
of the DJSI, companies become eligible to be included in DJSI-based portfolios.
q
etc.
The
paragraph starts with an awkward title and a redundant first sentence. The list
suffers from the lack of parallel construction (breaks Rule 2). The first bullet
is a phrase, the second a sentence, the third a phrase, the fourth a phrase plus
a sentence, and the fifth a word of no importance. Such inconsistent structure
makes any list hard to follow.
Now lets examine each bullet one at a time.
The first bullet is a phrase with the subject missing (breaks Rule 3). The
reader must go back to the subhead to find the subject a company. The
second problem here is the vague jargon, strategic areas covering
dimensions (breaks Rule 4).
The reader logically expects the second bullet to be another phrase, but it is a
sentence. Will the third bullet be a sentence or a phrase?
Another phrase with two separate thoughts (breaks Rules 1 and 2). The second
thought is linked incorrectly as a reason for highly visible results,
whereas it deserves to be listed as a separate bullet.
The fourth bullet begins with a vague phrase that requires an even longer
sentence of explanation. Two notions are repeated: being a member of the DJSI
and DJSI-based investment (breaks Rule 5).
The last bullet is a dud.
A straight-shooting version of this paragraph follows. Notice also that the
wording above marked in yellow (jargon, redundancy, grammar mistakes, false
linking) has been corrected.
Benefits of being in the DJSI
As a member of the DJSI a company enjoys several tangible and
intangible benefits:
q
The company
is publicly recognized as an industry leader, as measured by economic,
environmental, and social criteria.
q
Recognition
by key stakeholders such as legislators, customers, and employees improves
loyalty among customers and employees.
q
Results get
high visibility, both within and outside the company, because the index
publisher publicly announces performance figures.
q
The company benefits financially because the stock comes into
the scope of more buyers, namely those who manage or invest in DJSI-based
portfolios.
q
The company
is entitled to use the official label "Member of DJSI."
Text must flow.
Every text reads better when the flow is good when thoughts build up in a
logical order, when phrases are linked naturally, when each sentence flows
smoothly into the next.
Read this paragraph and decide if it flows well:
With the opening of the new distribution center IKEA adapted its
infrastructure to the requirements of the market in 1985.
IKEA chose a polymeric membrane for the roof of this building true to the
company motto high quality at affordable prices. The 5000m² roof of the
warehouse was covered using mechanically fastened membrane.
Notice
that the first sentence contains 3 ideas, the second sentence 4, and the third
2. In a paragraph like this we can shuffle these phrases around and try to
improve the flow:
With the opening of the new distribution center ¦ in 1985 ¦ IKEA adapted its
infrastructure to the requirements of the market.
True
to the company motto ¦ high quality at affordable prices ¦ IKEA chose a
polymeric membrane ¦ for the roof of this building. Mechanical fastening was
used to secure the membrane ¦ to the 5000m² roof of the warehouse.
That
wasnt much better. How do we get the phrases into a smooth order? One way is to
end each sentence with the same idea the next sentence starts with. These common
ideas serve as links to knit sentences together.
IKEA adapted its infrastructure to the requirements of the market in 1985
with the opening of a new distribution center.
For the roof of this building
true to the company motto high quality at affordable prices IKEA chose
a polymeric membrane. The membrane was
mechanically fastened to the 5000m² roof of the warehouse.
Notice
how the train of thought flows, how each sentence picks up where its predecessor
left off, how the common ideas (highlighted) bridge the gaps between sentences.
These links also happen to be the most important ideas. Thats why they are
repeated. Putting them at each end of the sentences has the bonus of giving them
the emphasis they deserve. This ordering naturally shoves the non-linking, less
important phrases to the middle, where they receive less emphasis. Thus in
1985, the least important of first three ideas, gets buried in the middle.
In the second sentence, to get the links into place, the idea of company motto
had to go to the middle, even at the cost of breaking up the natural phrasing
a polymeric membrane for the roof. Here we chose a formulation that is
actually less natural than each of the two previous versions a small
compromise we accept to add flow to the whole paragraph.
Until
or by
Many native German speakers
confuse until and by. The difference is illustrated by two example
sentences with translations:
Bestellungen werden bis September angenommen.
Translation:
Orders will be accepted until September. (Not by September.)
Schicken Sie Ihre Bestellung bis 31. August.
Translation:
Send in your order by August 31. (Not until August 31.)
Both examples refer to a period of time with an end. So why is bis
translated as until in the first example and as by in the second?
The difference is the continuity of the action or condition. In the first
example, we continue to accept orders throughout the entire period up to, or
until, the deadline. Use until in connection with continuous
action or conditions. In the second example, the act of sending an order does
not continue to August 31. The sender does it only once, at any point in time
not later than August 31. Use by in connection with non-continuous action
or conditions when the sense is not later than.
Word order
Notice the difference in word
order in this sentence and its translation:
Computer verursachen immer Probleme.
Translation:
Computers always cause problems. Not this: Computers cause always problems.
In English, modifiers normally refer to the word they precede. Here, always
must be linked (by its position) to cause, not to problems.
In the following sentences the word only is put in various positions.
Notice how this changes the meaning of each sentence:
Only my computer is working today. (Among all the computers, mine is the only
one thats working.)
My only computer is working today. (I only have one, and it is working.)
My computer only is working today. (The others arent working. Emphasis on my
PC.)
My computer is only working today. (Its doing nothing else.)
My computer is working only today. (Equivalent to the next sentence, but less
natural.)
My computer is working today only. (This is the only day my PC will be or has
been working. Emphasis on today.)
Focus on the topic.
A magazine article began with this
paragraph:
Although clusters
are an ongoing trend they are still a strong differentiation tool and we feel
confident to say that GlobalGroup with its shared service center IT4ALL, is
ahead of its competitors since it makes the companies better focus on client
satisfaction. Process simplification and standardization leaves more time for
focusing on the business itself and it increases cross functional job
opportunities for people.
Did that grab you? The introduction of any text should. The paragraph fails
because it lacks focus and direction. What topic is being introduced here
clusters, IT4ALL, competition, client satisfaction, or job opportunities? Its
hard to tell because the first sentence is too long (42 words) and contains too
many ideas (five). The second sentence could clarify the question, but merely
adds more thoughts, weakly related. The introduction fails to say where the
article is headed, fails to tell the reader what he can expect to learn by
reading further. Most readers would simply turn the page.
To add focus we must identify the subject unmistakably, emphasize it, and stick
to it. The first sentence should state the topic succinctly and the following
sentences should develop and support that topic. With this in mind, we are
prepared to rewrite:
The formation of
clusters is a continuing trend because clusters offer decided advantages.
Clusters simplify and standardize processes, leaving more time to focus on the
core business. They increase cross-functional job opportunities for employees.
Clusters are even an effective differentiation tool. With its shared services
center IT4ALL, GlobalGroup is ahead of its competitors because the cluster makes
the companies focus stronger on customer satisfaction.
The first sentence unmistakably identifies the general topicclusters.
The topic of the next three sentences is again the sameclusters; these
three sentences each supply an example that builds on the topic sentence. The
fifth sentence then places the topic within a specific context.
Notice also that the revision adds precision in another wayby improving grammar,
punctuation, diction, and tone; specifically, the text marked below in red (compare
with the revision):
Although
clusters are an ongoing trend they are
still
a strong differentiation tool and
we feel confident to say
that GlobalGroup with its shared service center
IT4ALL,
is ahead of its
competitors since
it
makes the companies better focus on client satisfaction. Process
simplification and
standardization leaves more time for
focusing on the business itself and
it
increases cross
functional job opportunities for
people.
Every introduction requires Focus
and Emphasis. These qualities are also important in every paragraph of any text.
Build sound sentences.
The following sentence may not be wordy, but it is unsound:
Scope of work
changes during project execution resulted in difficult project objective
tracking and cost control.
What is so awkward here? Did you stumble over changes, reading it as a
verb? I did. Does during project execution sound natural? And what about difficult project objective tracking? What is difficult
the project, the objectives, or the tracking? And what is really being tracked
the objectives or the project? Are we to assume that difficult also
applies to cost control? Does project apply too? Its difficult to
guess.
So much guessing signals an unsound sentence. To recast this sentence, start by
looking at the bare bones: subject + verb + object:
Changes resulted in
tracking and control.
Stripped bare, its easy to see
the fault. The sentence is unsound at the core. The verb is inadequate because
it ignores the notion of difficult. Suitable verbs to consider include
complicated or made difficult.
Changes complicated
tracking and control.
Thats better. Now that the sense
is right, we can add the vital modifiers:
Scope of work
changes complicated project tracking and cost control.
Notice the ambiguity that crept in
when we added scope of work. Changes now reads like a verb. We must fix
this by rephrasing. Now look closely at project. Does project also
relate to cost control? Yes. Should it modify cost control?
No. We clarify these points and add the remaining facts:
Changing the scope
of work during project execution complicated objective tracking and cost control
for the project.
During project execution is
jargon nobody talks like that. Execution is a word we can kill with
good conscience. Next, does it make sense to track objectives? No, we
set objectives; we track progress toward them. Finally, notice
that the second half of the sentence is too heavy. We can make it flow by changing
the nominalizations into verbs:
Changing the scope
of work during the project made it hard to track the progress and control the
cost of the project.
Link modifiers, dont jumble them.
An author in the United States
wrote this sentence for a worldwide readership:
This Project
Profile describes a northern Canadian cold-weather installation project.
The five words northern Canadian
cold-weather installation are jumbled together to vaguely modify several
words, including project. Jumbling numbs the mind of both author and
reader. The remedy is to link modifiers precisely. Northern Canada tells
where the project took place, cold weather describes the circumstances of
the work, and installation describes the action:
This Project
Profile tells how a roof in northern Canada was installed during cold weather.
The sentence is slightly longer,
but precise linking has given it clarity. It is vigorous because the noun
installation now appears as the verb install. As a bonus, the
sentence now emphasizes the key point by ending with cold weather.
Clarifying the linking has exposed another weakness of the original sentence
repetition of the empty word project: "This Project Profile describes a
... project." We sought a specific substitute and found the word roof,
giving our verb an object, and making the sentence expressive enough to be
interesting.
The following title is a jumble of five nouns:
Project
execution method selection guidelines
Readers are lost by the fourth
word. What modifies what? Joseph Williams
recommends untangling strings of nouns in three steps:
(1) Reverse the order.
guidelines selection method execution project
(2) Change the nominalizations into verbs.
guidelines selecting method executing project
(3) Add the linking.
Guidelines for
selecting the method of executing a project
Now that we can see the issue more
precisely, we might consider simplifying the jargon to add even more directness
and clarity:
Guidelines for
deciding how to execute a project
or
Deciding the best way to execute a project
Cut wordiness.
Work through these forty words if you have the patience:
Having gone through the previous experience of setting up a local Web site
will also help speed up the process of generating content since most of this
already published information can be used under the new structure with minor
changes.
We can immediately delete eleven unnecessary or redundant words. The sentence
reads better:
Having set up a
previous Web site will also speed up the process of generating content since
most of this already published information can be reused with minor changes.
Now we can recast the sentence to emphasize the subject and link the thoughts
precisely. Eighteen words suffice:
Content for the new
Web site can be generated faster by adapting information from the previous Web
site.
Most sentences communicate better using the fewest words necessary.
"Experience"
Dont write previous experience or past experience, just write
experience. Experience inherently refers to the past. If it hasnt
happened yet, it hasnt been experienced.
Use the singular experience to speak of participation or observations
that serve as a basis of knowledge: "Our experience in two projects proved
valuable." Use the plural to speak of more than one distinct encounters or
events: "Two dangerous experiences were sufficient."
Dont write about leveraging experience, say using experience or
making the most of experience or putting experience to the best use.
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